I've been thinking a lot recently about ways to escape. My life is so packed right now I'm really struggling. Work is WAAAY over my head and while school is done for a month, I don't feel like I have a break at all. I had to pick up a second job to afford living over the summer and it's eating a lot of my time. I'm not getting any of the projects I want to done which is stressing me out, and worse, I can't even find the motivation to eat right now. I'm starting to get sick I think but tomorrow will be a "regular routine" day so hopefully it'll be a day to get better?? I don't want to do tomorrow or even the next few tomorrows. Everything is stressing me out and I've been on an emotional downspiral for a while. I thought I was getting out of it but it keeps getting worse. I think what sucks most about this is that even suiting didn't help improve my mental condition and I honestly don't even want to be in suit right now. This is the first time EVER I've not wanted to suit and it scares me a lot.
Some of my friends haven't really been friends. Quite the opposite actually. I feel like I have to force the friendship at this point and that of course isn't a friendship which means I have to start accepting that I'm losing something very important to me. I think that's why all of this sucks so much. I try to do so much for you! More than any of my other friends and you keep pushing me off to the side like I'm worthless. Well congratulations, you've made me feel worthless. I hope you're happy. Best part is, even if they read this (which I know they don't cause they don't give me the time of day ever) they wouldn't even know it's about them or even care enough to ask!! I've even posted publicly about this as well and NOTHING. I've talked to them directly and they brushed my concerns off. Said nothing was wrong, everything was great, but they didn't follow through on anything. It hurts so much. I put so much into my friendships, more than most people I think, so to be tossed to the side like this sucks. It hasn't happened in years, mostly because I guarded myself. These friends were the ones that allowed me to break through some of those guards and I made more "friends" (acquaintances really) than I've ever had. Now that I've lost those key people, my guards are back up and even stronger than before...woo.
Anyways, all this personally stress has really affected my relationship as well and I'm finding him as a support to be less and less reliable. Makes me feel needy and more like a crappy girlfriend, which then makes me want to end the relationship because I want better for him? I don't even know. There's so much fear and confusion in my life and a ton of things I thought were consistent no longer are.
I really hope I figure this all out again soon. I might start focusing on myself again for a while and take a break from my social life to try and better understand where I want to go in all of this.
Some of my friends haven't really been friends. Quite the opposite actually. I feel like I have to force the friendship at this point and that of course isn't a friendship which means I have to start accepting that I'm losing something very important to me. I think that's why all of this sucks so much. I try to do so much for you! More than any of my other friends and you keep pushing me off to the side like I'm worthless. Well congratulations, you've made me feel worthless. I hope you're happy. Best part is, even if they read this (which I know they don't cause they don't give me the time of day ever) they wouldn't even know it's about them or even care enough to ask!! I've even posted publicly about this as well and NOTHING. I've talked to them directly and they brushed my concerns off. Said nothing was wrong, everything was great, but they didn't follow through on anything. It hurts so much. I put so much into my friendships, more than most people I think, so to be tossed to the side like this sucks. It hasn't happened in years, mostly because I guarded myself. These friends were the ones that allowed me to break through some of those guards and I made more "friends" (acquaintances really) than I've ever had. Now that I've lost those key people, my guards are back up and even stronger than before...woo.
Anyways, all this personally stress has really affected my relationship as well and I'm finding him as a support to be less and less reliable. Makes me feel needy and more like a crappy girlfriend, which then makes me want to end the relationship because I want better for him? I don't even know. There's so much fear and confusion in my life and a ton of things I thought were consistent no longer are.
I really hope I figure this all out again soon. I might start focusing on myself again for a while and take a break from my social life to try and better understand where I want to go in all of this.