If you follow my life (through this weird blog thing), you may start to see a lot about league. This is because the new season begins tomorrow and I still haven't gotten over the end of last season.
A little bit of background and important notes:
-I'm EXTREMELY addicted to league. I go through withdrawals and it takes over my life. I try not to be competitive but when you're competitive by nature it's hard not to get into the game. I enjoy the game for the game itself but I still have goals and want to achieve and be proud of how I play. Basically, I want my playing skills to be reflective of the fact that I've been playing this game for 4 years.
-League is a stress relief for me. So when I get stressed, and really stressed, that's all I do.
-Me and Bubble (my bf) met on league. Being in a long distance relationship we connect through it and cope through it. It's kinda messed up but that's how we work. Our successes in league bring our relationship up and our struggles will bring us done. While we've gotten a lot better about not letting league rule our relationship it still has an effect. If league were to shut down forever tomorrow, I don't know what we'd do XD it'd take a while to figure out how to ship again.
Last season ended like this:
I was doing great last season. Got myself to gold, was keeping up with Bubble (who played more and placed higher than I did) and was feeling really good about myself. About halfway through the season I got stuck. Literally stuck. I couldn't get out of Gold IV I was jumping from IV to V and back to IV over and over and over. It got to the point where I wanted to give up on the season. It took a while but eventually I became comfortable with not being plat at the end of the season. (All my friends were getting plat and I was playing close to a plat level but I figured I would be okay cause bubble was looking like he would stay gold too) I was so frustrated by the ranked season that Bubble stopped talking to me about it so my feelings wouldn't get hurt. This turned around to bite us in the butt because he never told me as the season was rounding to an end, maybe a month left, that he was grinding hard for plat. When he made it, is when I lost myself. I couldn't stop crying. I felt betrayed and ditched. Then I lost my mind. I launched myself into league playing every chance I got. I turned into a robot. Pay again. Play again. Play again. There was no end. And just like earlier in the season I got no where. Still stuck in Gold IV. It was even worse now because the end of the season is when all the silver scrubs finally make it to the bottom of gold. So now I wasn't even playing with the golds and plats I had been, but silvers and bronze. I couldn't carry no matter what I did or how well I played. While a couple games I made more than my fair share of mistakes, the vast majority I outplayed everyone and carried my lane. (which as support can be difficult to do). No matter how much I played I couldn't get out. A few days of this and I was no longer myself. I cried constantly, called in sick to work, and landed myself a spot on my couch, mindlessly staring at the television watching I don't even know what. The darkness of my depression ate me and I became suicidal. Many people chastised me saying "It's just a game." I always believed it was, I always tried to play this game for fun, not caring if I won or lost. I stuck through grinding out that Gold IV longer than any of my friends. People would come duo with me and give up after a few games because they couldn't take how bad our teammates were. I kept playing. Desperately hoping for a miracle and be able to make it up 4 tiers in a month. It never happened. I broke more. I wanted to quit. I thought about how everyone would get borders and every day of the next YEAR I would be reminded of how much of a failure I was. I didn't want that so I wasn't planning on playing. I wasn't myself for the longest time. This is why people didn't see art from me at the end of the year. I had no motivation to do anything. Bubble felt bad. I don't think he understood at first, but the same thing happened last season when he left me for Gold. I hated him for a while. I almost even left him. I was in a lot of pain and the only ways out I saw was away from league and away from him.
Rewards go out. I can't play league normally for a while. I feel like a failure because everyone around me is now sporting plat and I'm still sittin with gold. Even now, months later, I still have a hard time playing with friends because I feel like such a burden. Just cause of that stupid border. Bubble promises he won't leave me and he won't play any games without me, just like he promised the season before. The damage has been done, but I know he's trying.
The new season starts tomorrow. Riot has almost guaranteed that we'll start lower than we finished. This means I'll be in silver while everyone else is in gold. I'll be playing catch up all season. I'm not looking forward to it but the desperation of not being left behind again is pushing me forwards. I'll blow through my promos in the first two days and see where I land then it's back to grinding. I can feel it already. I'm turning back into that robot. Even this past week I've been playing a lot of games to get used to last hitting again and being on the rift. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. I feel alone and while I know my friends will offer to duo and help me get up (not that I necessarily need it) if I ask them to help it'll mean they'll just go up too, so I'll always be behind. Always behind. Not good enough. The feelings that I don't deserve anything. This is what I'm carrying. This is why I play league now. To get back to my first season, when I was leading all my friends. I was the first to silver and for the longest time had more points than everyone. Now I'm at the end of the pack. Not good enough for anything.
The only thing I know to do right now is grind to catch up and hope that makes me feel better. I don't know what else to do. I've tried relieving the stress in other ways, but I get locked into league.I hate so much that it effects my life this way but I can't do anything about it. I don't know what to do about it. I've thought of even seeking professional help but I feel like I know what they're going to tell me and I don't want to listen to that.
2015 Season may just be the end of my relationship, my future, and the person I've always known myself to be.
The end of the world starts tomorrow.
A little bit of background and important notes:
-I'm EXTREMELY addicted to league. I go through withdrawals and it takes over my life. I try not to be competitive but when you're competitive by nature it's hard not to get into the game. I enjoy the game for the game itself but I still have goals and want to achieve and be proud of how I play. Basically, I want my playing skills to be reflective of the fact that I've been playing this game for 4 years.
-League is a stress relief for me. So when I get stressed, and really stressed, that's all I do.
-Me and Bubble (my bf) met on league. Being in a long distance relationship we connect through it and cope through it. It's kinda messed up but that's how we work. Our successes in league bring our relationship up and our struggles will bring us done. While we've gotten a lot better about not letting league rule our relationship it still has an effect. If league were to shut down forever tomorrow, I don't know what we'd do XD it'd take a while to figure out how to ship again.
Last season ended like this:
I was doing great last season. Got myself to gold, was keeping up with Bubble (who played more and placed higher than I did) and was feeling really good about myself. About halfway through the season I got stuck. Literally stuck. I couldn't get out of Gold IV I was jumping from IV to V and back to IV over and over and over. It got to the point where I wanted to give up on the season. It took a while but eventually I became comfortable with not being plat at the end of the season. (All my friends were getting plat and I was playing close to a plat level but I figured I would be okay cause bubble was looking like he would stay gold too) I was so frustrated by the ranked season that Bubble stopped talking to me about it so my feelings wouldn't get hurt. This turned around to bite us in the butt because he never told me as the season was rounding to an end, maybe a month left, that he was grinding hard for plat. When he made it, is when I lost myself. I couldn't stop crying. I felt betrayed and ditched. Then I lost my mind. I launched myself into league playing every chance I got. I turned into a robot. Pay again. Play again. Play again. There was no end. And just like earlier in the season I got no where. Still stuck in Gold IV. It was even worse now because the end of the season is when all the silver scrubs finally make it to the bottom of gold. So now I wasn't even playing with the golds and plats I had been, but silvers and bronze. I couldn't carry no matter what I did or how well I played. While a couple games I made more than my fair share of mistakes, the vast majority I outplayed everyone and carried my lane. (which as support can be difficult to do). No matter how much I played I couldn't get out. A few days of this and I was no longer myself. I cried constantly, called in sick to work, and landed myself a spot on my couch, mindlessly staring at the television watching I don't even know what. The darkness of my depression ate me and I became suicidal. Many people chastised me saying "It's just a game." I always believed it was, I always tried to play this game for fun, not caring if I won or lost. I stuck through grinding out that Gold IV longer than any of my friends. People would come duo with me and give up after a few games because they couldn't take how bad our teammates were. I kept playing. Desperately hoping for a miracle and be able to make it up 4 tiers in a month. It never happened. I broke more. I wanted to quit. I thought about how everyone would get borders and every day of the next YEAR I would be reminded of how much of a failure I was. I didn't want that so I wasn't planning on playing. I wasn't myself for the longest time. This is why people didn't see art from me at the end of the year. I had no motivation to do anything. Bubble felt bad. I don't think he understood at first, but the same thing happened last season when he left me for Gold. I hated him for a while. I almost even left him. I was in a lot of pain and the only ways out I saw was away from league and away from him.
Rewards go out. I can't play league normally for a while. I feel like a failure because everyone around me is now sporting plat and I'm still sittin with gold. Even now, months later, I still have a hard time playing with friends because I feel like such a burden. Just cause of that stupid border. Bubble promises he won't leave me and he won't play any games without me, just like he promised the season before. The damage has been done, but I know he's trying.
The new season starts tomorrow. Riot has almost guaranteed that we'll start lower than we finished. This means I'll be in silver while everyone else is in gold. I'll be playing catch up all season. I'm not looking forward to it but the desperation of not being left behind again is pushing me forwards. I'll blow through my promos in the first two days and see where I land then it's back to grinding. I can feel it already. I'm turning back into that robot. Even this past week I've been playing a lot of games to get used to last hitting again and being on the rift. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. I feel alone and while I know my friends will offer to duo and help me get up (not that I necessarily need it) if I ask them to help it'll mean they'll just go up too, so I'll always be behind. Always behind. Not good enough. The feelings that I don't deserve anything. This is what I'm carrying. This is why I play league now. To get back to my first season, when I was leading all my friends. I was the first to silver and for the longest time had more points than everyone. Now I'm at the end of the pack. Not good enough for anything.
The only thing I know to do right now is grind to catch up and hope that makes me feel better. I don't know what else to do. I've tried relieving the stress in other ways, but I get locked into league.I hate so much that it effects my life this way but I can't do anything about it. I don't know what to do about it. I've thought of even seeking professional help but I feel like I know what they're going to tell me and I don't want to listen to that.
2015 Season may just be the end of my relationship, my future, and the person I've always known myself to be.
The end of the world starts tomorrow.